day 1

Separation is difficult, not moving away from home, more like young children from parents. I recently had my daughters returned after 6 months apart. I seen them the odd weekend, and over  major holidays, but it wasn't till now that things hit home. Seeing them being driven away, not knowing if they were coming home, or what they were doing on a daily basis... It hit a spot that makes you think of all the bad things in life. For me those bad things also included a lot of "what if's" and "Should have's". What if I had been a better supporter financially? What if I was there more and working less? What if I had been married and not doing this all alone? What if I wasn't meant to be a mom in the first place? and the thoughts chased each other in circles, some times continuing to do so.

A break was needed, I told everyone as straight up as I could that I was starting to fall apart. For me straight as I could apparently wasn't straight enough. It took me 6 years to get the help I was asking for from actual people and not automated systems, but it also cost me 6 months separation from my daughters. Six months where I was alone in the house, I went about my daily routine unencumbered, fell asleep when I was tired, woke on days I started work later, went out on weekends that I didn't work and had the money to do so... That's all changed and it's happened in reality, all within a couple hours time span.

Those that are new to parenthood are given a while to prepare for the outcome. Some might want the sex of the child a surprise but they are still given almost a year to prepare. I was given a couple hours to prepare for the departure of my daughters and I know the process to get them back should have prepared me for their return... but it didn't, not fully anyways.

Don't get me wrong, I love that I have them back, I didn't want them gone in the first place. I'm now realizing what it was I was missing having them so young. The freedom to come and go, liberties to visitors, adult conversations... It's a nice pace that drove me up the wall. The quietness of the house... Hell I bought a cat for them that has followed me around the house until now. Dexter, the cat, can't seem to stay separated from me for more then a couple hours a day unless forced.. (my going to work). We all have adjustments to make, it'll take time. more then what people are expecting and less then forever, but doing that "time" anything can happen. Hopefully this round for the better.

Andrea